I know crying my heart out in the bathroom is not going to make you come home, but i don't know why. I just did. I know crying in front of you just now will only make you feel worse than you were already feeling. That's why i didn't. How i wished that you didn't have to go for National Service, all the way at Pulau Tekong. And that today, 8th April 2006, was the day of your enlistment.I know i'm gonna miss you like hell, cause i already am, kor.
The moment i reached home, i decided to bathe. The reason being? I knew i would cry, so i decided to cry in the toilet while bathing, which in my opinion is the best way to cry. Because the water rushing down from the shower would wash away the tears that flowed down. And that nobody could hear the soft whimpering that was inavoidable when you cry. i cried on the ferry back too, from Pulau Tekong to mainland. It was cold in the ferry and i decided to take the window seat cause i was afraid i would cry, and only by sitting by the window, people would not see. I was very quiet, then aunt casey talked to me, she could see that i was sad over bro's departure for NS, so she was like, cheer up, don't be sad, this is part and parcel of life etc. Then somehow, upon hearing these words, my tears started flowing. i faced the window, my head on my arms, i could even feel how hot my tears were, compared to the cold environment. I don't even know why i was crying, when bro was coming back home next thurs. It was incontrollable. If kor was willing to stay at home when he comes home next thurs, not go out with his friends but with family, i would gladly stay at home to accompany him. I wouldn't even go out with sulin before band concert just to accompany him for booking in. Really. I'm just afraid that i would start my crying fetish again when i see you leaving... Just like today, i felt horrible when i see you leave... then i cried only in the ferry and in the shower... I really didn't want to cry, but i couldn't help it. But during the tour in the NS BMTC, i saw the bunk and the beds and the food was okay, at least you were well taken care of, then i didn't feel so bad. Life's just not the same without you. When i come home, you are not there, when i don know how to do math, you are also not there anymore to teach me, scold me, call me a retard... When i step inside your room, i feel horrible just seeing your clothes all around. And that you are not. I rather you scold me, quarrel with me, watch movies with me, whatever, as long as you are there. I'm not crying now, but i still feel sad. I guess i'll get over it soon, hopefully. Hopefully xian1 jian4 qi2 xia2 zhuan4 will cheer me up later.
And i don't really know why there's the army, for several reasons, but i shall not say it here as i might get sued. FREAK LA.
There's still homework. Fuck homework. DIe homework DIE!!!!! Get away from my life.
P.S. take care kor! miss you loads already!!!